Ten tiny toes and ten tiny fingers
taps the water with delicacy.
Small little arms and limbs lay motionless
in the water as the mother strokes the baby’s hair.
The baby begins to cry as the water
starts to feel like a flood covering the streets.
The mom starts to hum a lullaby.
Her small infant’s pupils are now gazing into hers.
The swish coming from the water,
The falsetto coming from the mother’s voice,
And the silence coming from the baby,
Felt calming and soothing.
She never felt a bond so strong.
The mother turned the water off.
She watched her baby relax.
She kissed the top of the baby’s smooth head.
The mother stepped away from the sink
with the towel in her hand.
As wrong as deceit, lust has conquered me.
The feeling of guilt in this dishonest
Act of sin, it can feel euphorically.
I, the mistress, feels shame and the blackest.
Ugly, wrong, but yet so perfectly wrong.
The forbidden lover that will never be
Entirely mine, but we have our song.
No one knows the truth except you and me.
As we lay between these sheets every day,
With lies and fiction invading our truth,
Shall I compare this to a sunny day,
The sun illuminates my scheming youth.
He and I warped into feelings of lust,
But the stains of immoral is unjust.
They say you meet your friends for life in high school and in college. Sometimes you will stay friends with someone from your childhood. I believe I have some great friends. I have had some ups and downs with them, but I love them. I wish them all the best in life. I wish they will achieve all of their goals and dreams. They are all motivated, determined, and dedicated individuals to becoming their best selves.
The Blonde One: Everyday you are making a difference in someone else life. That must be an amazing feeling. It takes a special kind of person to do the job that your doing. Even though you are with someone right now, I always say this to you because it’s true “You will be a bomb ass girlfriend/wife.” I say that because you have so many good qualities that’s so lovable and interesting and worth keeping around. There is never a dull moment when I’m around you. Although, you weren’t the first person I spoke to in high school, you were my first friend in high school. I’m glad that we remained friends. I love you.
The Faraway One: My biggest fan and only supporter. The only friend who reads my blogs. The only person who really knows my thoughts, my heart, my mind, my soul, just my everything. The only person who knows what I’m going to say before I can finish my sentence. You are an amazing person inside and out. You have a heart that can change so many lives. You have been that listening ear for me for years and I really do appreciate it. When I couldn’t go to my other friends or any of my family, you were right there. I will always be grateful for that. You have helped me through a lot of financial jams. You have just always helped me get through a lot. I will always cherish those moments and is grateful for you being in my life. I love you.
The Practical One: You are a very generous person. I think it runs in your family. Every person I have met in your family is very nice. You have a very good head on your shoulders and I believe you are going to be successful one day. I love our catching up talks on our outings together. It feels like we have never went weeks without seeing each other when we do get a chance to hang out. We have been friends for a long time. You are like a breath of fresh air. I have never had any altercation with you. We just click. We have a lot in common as well. I have seen you grow into such an independent adult. From graduating high school, to graduating college, to buying your first car, and many more of the accomplishments you have achieved. I am proud of you. I love you.
The Dreamer: You have incredible ambition. Sometimes I feel like you are my motivation and inspiration to just never give up and to keep trying. You have a very bright future ahead of you. You have overcome a lot and came back even stronger. I believe in you. I think you have invested so much into yourself and you deserve all of the great things that are about to come your way. You are an amazing friend and I will forever be grateful that I have you in my life. We have had a couple ups and downs, but I think that just being able to deal with them and getting over them just makes our bond even stronger. We have done so many crazy things together we could write a book. We have shared so many secrets, have cried together, basically have done a lot. I can definitely see us growing old together. I love you.
The Believer: The friendship that ended abruptly. The fact that I’m writing about it means that I still care enough to say something about it. You were always the friend that I could vent to because you were the one who could understand the most. You had similar issues and problems. That was our connection. We talked about life and our goals a lot. We talked about how we were going to get there. We always gave each other advice. We were counselors for each other. I think that’s why we needed to be around each other. The mutual understanding that we had for each other’s situation was why we were always on the phone or why we texted. It was never a dull moment with you. I think one day you will actually find out what is it that you like and go for it. People grow apart and that’s what happened. It took me a while to realize that some of your ways just wasn’t right for me and that I needed to just step away and focus on myself. No love is lost and I wish you the best.
Spring was here then summer,
Then fall and winter.
Winter stayed the longest.
It snowed over and over again.
It felt like it never wanted to stop.
Everyday seemed to get colder,
Thoughts seemed to get darker.
Skin seemed to feel icier.
When I walk outside,
Snowballs are thrown at me
and I’m not talking about when
kids are playing outside either.
Laying down at night didn’t feel the same.
The tears that laid on my pillow
the night before, wasn’t there anymore.
So, I put new ones there.
The snow had melted.
The pill bottle had rolled on the floor.
Flowers were coming out of the ground.
Spring was nearby.
“There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning
There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending
There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning
‘Cause nothing really isn’t, everything really isn’t”
W.A.Y.S. – Jhene Aiko
I remember when I first heard this song. I was sitting on my grandma’s stairs. I can’t remember what I was doing, but I was listening to her album at the time. I learned every song probably over the course of two or three weeks. It could be a shorter time frame than that. I was obsessed with the song “To Love & Die” and “Limbo Limbo Limbo” off of the album, so I listened to them the most. Literally, about three months ago, I was listening to her station on pandora and this song came on. I didn’t sing along to the word. I just sat and listened. I was texting someone. It was the end of the song and she said this verse in which she have said a couple times in the song already, it hit me. I had to listen to the song again. I had to really listen to it. It spoke so many volumes. It was just what I needed to hear at the time. It’s what I still need to here. I was in the car yesterday with my friend and her little brother. We were leaving a restaurant and the song came on pandora in the car. It came on at the right time because it was just what I needed to hear just to lift my spirits.
Jhene Aiko is very poetic when it comes to a lot of the things that she write. I would love to write something with her some day.
Today I relapsed.
Steve Harvey once said “If you put positivity into life, then that’s what you will get out of it. If you put negativity into life, then that’s what you will get out of it.”
Today I thought negative thoughts. This positive streak that I have been on ended today. I texted two friends today and both texts were negative things.
One of them said “I have nothing saved up at all. It’s so depressing. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like I’ve been living on my own for a year now and living paycheck to paycheck. I’m just tired of the same cycle. That’s why I’m doing a lot of the things that I am doing now because I can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and then neglecting my own happiness as well being a slave for the white man”
The other text said “I already do dislike myself being overweight. I’m just scared that it will be the same thing once I get smaller.”
I sat and started reflecting over both conversations that I had and realized that I had a relapsed. I haven’t worried about my financial problems in some time now. I used to let it consume me. Today I let it consume me. Also, Since I have been losing weight and aiming for a breast reduction for health reasons, I haven’t had a negative mindset about my image either. I was beginning to learn to love myself. Today I relapsed.
That initial reflecting has helped me gain composure and snap me back into reality. I am going to continue to be positive and strive for happiness, which is my ultimate goal in life.
I have been wanting to start my own business for some time now. I have always wanted my own business. Ever since I could remember, I always wanted to be a writer and own my own business someday. I have recently started to put these plans into motion as to starting my own business. I am excited and overwhelmed at the same time. I am afraid of failure. I feel like I am more then ready and very eager to get the ball rolling, but the perfectionist in me is steady whispering in my ear saying “embrace the failure that will come along with starting up your own business because it could be a strong possibility that could happen.”
I am my worst critic. I am so hard on myself more then anybody is ever hard on themselves. Nobody is harder on themselves more then me. I put so much pressure on myself no matter what it is. I am definitely my worst enemy. If I’m in competition with anybody, it’s myself. I try not to be this perfect girl, who has to have every little thing planned out accordingly, and everything has to go right. That’s just not me. I am being so particular and meticulous with this whole starting up my own business. I am being careful as I can be because I don’t like making any mistakes. It’s a shame when your the type of person that if you make one mistake you will hold it against yourself for the rest of your life. I never get over any mistake I made.
I am really looking forward to being my own boss. I am really looking forward to managing my own entity and setting my own goals. Also, I am looking forward to creating my own products and seeing what people like and dislike. Overall, I am just excited about the whole journey itself. I look forward to growing as a business owner and just to simply say that at least I tried.