Struggling with depression makes you feel empty. It makes you feel alone. It makes you feel like your invisible to everyone around you, but you’re complacent with that. Depression is the silent killer. It will have you feeling so low about yourself, until the point where you don’t want to live. When your constantly battling with your inner voice and with your feelings and they aren’t coming to an agreement, it takes a toll on the mind, the heart and the soul. You feel like the world is against you. You feel like even the people you see everyday are against you.
Going through the many depressive states that I have been through has made me the person that I am today. The very first time that I was ever depressed I was ten years old. I felt like I was going through a tough time because I was going through changes with my body. I never was informed about what a menstrual period was. My mother had given me two books to read, but that wasn’t enough. I was sad. I cried every time. I may not seem like much to other people, but I remember feeling empty. I remember getting teased in school for having it. I remember coming home from school and wanting to just go in my room and lay down and just never wake up again. My dad would come in my room and get on me about washing dishes. He couldn’t tell that I was depressed. I would wash dishes and my mom would walk pass me. She couldn’t tell either. That was the first time I felt real hurt.
Depression snuck up on me again when I was fourteen. I had started high school. My father has been incarcerated for about two years at the point. I missed a lot of school because of the empty feeling I constantly felt. Adapting to the change from being in high school and being around new people and just simply acceptance made me feel really low. Also, I was still getting use to the change of not having my father around. It was a major adjustment. It was so much change. I had learned a lot about both my grandmother’s, my mother, and my uncle that I had stayed with. I had put so many missing pieces together from my childhood that I had questions about. It was a depressive time for me. It was more responsibility then I anticipated on having. That was the first time I tried to kill myself.
When I was seventeen I was depressed again. I was consumed with trying to please my family, my teachers, just everyone around me. I never did anything to make myself happy. Trying to achieve perfection so young and with so much ambition with not enough time in a day became stressful. I also started to have a huge increase in my weight. I started to hate the way I look. I even started to hate myself. I felt like even my body had to match the level of perfection that I was trying to obtain. Some days I would starve myself because I hated the way I looked. I envied my sister’s, cousins, and friends for being smaller than I was. It didn’t make it any better when my family would mention something about my weight gain. My family were my biggest criticizers. They would always says something about my weight gain. Even as a child I would always get teased my family about my weight. It makes you feel like no one loves you for you. Insecurities started to kick in at an all time high. I had won prom queen, but that had made me feel like it was a joke. I barely heard claps. No one wanted me to win or even cared if I won. That’s the first time I realized that I put on a lot of fake smiles.
I had lost my job when I was twenty. I had lost a job before then, but this time was worst. The first time I was out of a job for eight months. This time was a year and three months. I felt empty, lost, and lonely. Absolutely no one understand what I was going through. Not a friend nor a family member. I was so consumed of sadness, but I hid it so well. No one knew that I took a whole bottle of ibuprofen and laid down in my bed and was passed out. I woke up the next day and my stomach was hurting so bad. I didn’t take enough to do what I was trying to do. I couldn’t take care of myself. My aunts kept commenting on how I didn’t have a job and living under my grandmother’s roof for free. It damaged me. It was a tough time for me. I’m so good at putting on a façade. No one knew the real me or how I really felt. Holding all of those feelings in just made me reach a breaking point. No one ever listened. No one wanted to listen. That was the first time that I realized all I will ever truly have is myself for therapeutic comfort.
I am currently twenty-two years old. I was depressed about three months ago. This is the first time my hair has fallen out because of the amount of stress I have been under. It’s a coincidence how everything in the pass that have made very empty is the same reasons why I was unhappy. The changes I have been going through within the pass year, my weight issues and my health, the constant need for perfection, and having so much ambition and goals with not enough time in the day started to consume me all over again. I was almost evicted out of my apartment, my car insurance almost lapsed, and I work a part time job where I barely can get enough hours. Three months ago I was feeling really low. I cried almost everyday. I remember I was at Walmart and I had to go in the bathroom because I started to cry because all of the thoughts that wouldn’t go away. I was at work and I started to cry at my desk. I knew it was getting bad because I started to think of harsher ways to kill myself. That was the first time that I knew a change needed to be made.
I thank God. He has kept me here for a reason. I am sharing this story for a reason. It’s taken a lot to even put it out there, but maybe it will help others who are struggling with depression. It’s a silent killer. It’s so many things that I wish I could do differently, but it has made me the person that I am today. About two months ago, I had to stop associating with someone who contributed to my negative thoughts about myself all the time. That person always made me feel like my dreams were too big and that I couldn’t achieve them. I felt that person was never supportive. Also, I started taking steps to love myself. I found a nutritionist who is one of my biggest supporters in my weight loss journey. Also, starting the blog to gain to some writing experience and insight from other people has help me. I am slowly learning how to love the person I am becoming and I am taking my life back one day at a time.