I don’t know whether to embrace 2020 or to be fearful. Apart of me is hoping for a phenomenal year. I want so many blessings that I lose count of all the great things that happen to me. Also, another part of me is remembering how awful the last seven years has been for me with the last three being the worst. I’m fearful of another stormy year that doesn’t bring any sun to my days.
Reflecting back on 2019, I have learned so many lessons about myself, family, friends, and the world around me. I started 2019 trying to heal from 2018. Right out of the gate, all of my credit cards were cancelled. I worked so hard to get good credit because I knew in life, there wasn’t anyone I could go to if I ever needed to purchase something major. Having good credit was validation that I was going to be okay. I punished myself for all the financial mistakes that I had made because I knew that wasn’t in my character to make those kinds of mistakes. I beat myself down until I couldn’t anymore. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything good to happen to me unless I corrected my mistakes. It got so bad to the point where some days I thought I didn’t even deserve to eat food. I was recovering from hand surgery that I had in October 2018 and it took a turn for the worst. It caused more problems. I got fired from my job in May of 2019 after working a long stressful weekend. That caused even more depressions. I couldn’t trust myself after this. I had so much anxiety. I continued to hate myself even more. I had to give up my apartment because I couldn’t afford it. I had to sacrifice my personal space, my time, just a peace of mind. That business I tried to start went downhill. I lost interest in it because of my mood and my financial situation. Also, moving into my cousins’ house wasn’t what I expected it to be. It’s depressing because I’m in someone else’s home and I can’t make myself at home.
On the flip side to this, I got an article published on a website. It’s my first piece of writing ever published. It’s a proud moment for me because it lets me know that I can do it and that someone larger will read my work one day and give it a chance. Also, I completed one of my scripts and submitted it to a screenplay contest. I have always said I never had time to do this, but this year even through all of my trials and tribulations, I was able to complete this one goal. I have so many scripts in the works, but none of them are finished. This gives me confirmation that if I get that additional time to myself, I can get more done. Also, I spent more time in the gym this year than have in a while. My weight plateaued this year, but I have been able to maintain my weight loss. I know that if I push myself harder, then I can achieve the health goals that I really want. Also, I found another job that’s full time and that is beneficial for me. It’s not the job that I want, but it’s the job that’s helping me with this transition into 2020.
Now, on the things that I have learned in 2019. I have learned to take care of your health early. I am not old, but I feel like if I would have taken gym class a little more serious in high school, stayed away from those Hot Cheetos, ate more veggies and worked out more in college, then I wouldn’t be twenty-four trying so hard to get in shape. I have low energy all the time, back problems, nerve damage, migraines and just so many problems that the average female in her early twenties shouldn’t have. Also, I realized that some friendships are not built to last a lifetime. It doesn’t make them any less meaningful or enjoyable. People change, grow older and apart, explore separate paths, and the friendship changes. Also, when you are at your worst, true friends are there for you, even if it’s just providing a listening ear. Also, I learned that it’s okay to be kind to yourself. I actually realized this when I was giving advice to a friend and she started describing the same feelings that I had when I said that I felt like I didn’t deserve anything good in my life. When I told her it’s okay to be kind to yourself, it was almost as if I was talking to myself. Also, I learned that I have codependent behaviors and It’s something I know I need to work on.
In 2020, I look forward to the most is how I take care of myself because I’m trying to devote a lot of my time to healing and growing mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s been a rollercoaster for me because I tend to fall off so quickly because I hate my current situation, but I got though another tough year that was filled with so many heartaches. I’m going to hope for the best this year and appreciate the little things while I can.
Happy New Years!!!